The Reason ♥

I needed a technique to get my opinions out, my feelings, and I did not want to inscribe it onto a piece of paper, for papers get misplaced, discolored and frayed… Whoever you are interpreting this, at times I may touch on topics which may not appeal to you, they may be controversial, notorious and infamous.  You may disagree with me, but please keep in mind that this blog exists exclusively because I need a way of extracting the thoughts which seldom have the chance to stream out and get some fresh air. So here is my medium; my blog. A place where even you the reader can share your own thoughts in regards to what I write, you may even notify me of what you would like to read more of or less of and I shall take those suggestions into consideration.

Primarily I was quite apprehensive about molding my thoughts into words and allowing it so that everyone could access a part of me that is…. Quite concealed in nature. I do not usually permit people to come strolling through my life, as I am not an effortless book to read- I may be a peculiar one, but I am not a simple one at all. I can’t figure out what changed my mind, what destroyed that barricade that kept the fort standing, protecting everything that was precious and fragile inside, but ultimately it has fallen, just as every fort, every blockade, and every obstacle falls, and withers away into nothing but an elapsed recollection of what once was. I hope that other people do the same, overlook their fears and allow people into their lives. This being said I also have to say that I do not, by any means trust people effortlessly, it is so incessantly difficult for me to rely on people, to trust them, and that is due to a multitude of factors. One of them being that my heart was shattered by the one person that I trusted with my life, and another being that it has literally been drilled into my brain that I should not, by any means, trust people. But even though I have distinctively trained myself to be inert, static and lifeless to my own emotions, block them out in every way possible so that I would not be able to feel pain, I still need a way to remain sane. The main reason that I am able to retain my sanity, and judgment  is purely due to the fact that I do have incredible friends, and I owe everything to them; everything. I never understood the meaning of friendship until I was in misery and distress; - they all rushed to my side with nothing but wholehearted intentions for my well being. It was then that I knew that friendship is how we survive, companionship is how we move on, and solidarity is how we enjoy, and thrive in life.

So this is me telling you to break down those walls. Demolish them, and compel them to collapse and burn. Open up your heart to the people around you, the people who actually mean something, and even if you feel that you aren’t ready to share your deepest, darkest most intimate demons with them, find some other way to let those feelings out. For pent up emotions and desires can lead to dire conditions, you may be faced with a situation where you are trapped, where you feel as if you will detonate at any second; purge out your feelings to the wrong person and blame them for all of the dreadful things that have happened to you – which of course is flawed and wrong. Personally I try not to keep them pent up for too long as I have a propensity to do exactly that, - have an exceptionally short temper-  and I never appreciated the people that were on the other side of my incessant, livid, rage. But now I know better. I know to keep the individuals close to my heart closer than ever because they are the ones who matter, they are the people who are there for me when I need them the most, and you have that same privilege – do not lose, or forget it.

xoxo

Can We Pretend That Airplanes In The Night Sky Are Like Shooting Stars

Please stop demanding control over my life.

You were never there when I needed you the most; you left me rotting, crumbling and putrefying on the ground. Yet you have returned, after years of absence, declaring your privileges, demanding respect, and love, and trust; when you yourself never gave any. I despise you. I loathe the way you speak, the way you reek and the way you exist. I can only hold back my feelings so much longer, although they are bound to come tearing out sometime. I wish you could acknowledge and accept people for who they are. I wish you would stop being so vain and futile. I wish you would leave me alone, to make my own decisions. I believe I’ve earned the right to make my own mistakes, my own transgressions- is that not how we learn? Isn’t that how we move on in life? – Through experiences and understanding? I guess you wouldn’t know anything about allowing people their rights, or understanding; for all you ever cared about were your own feelings, your own beauty, your own life; never giving a damn about others. I’m sorry life has been so hard on you - although honestly people have experienced much worse- but you truthfully cannot keep living believing that you are God’s gift to the world, while the rest of us are parasites, born to serve you.

I used to be exceptionally naïve, inexperienced and immature; believing that you would change over time, alas how wrong I was. You have only nurtured your self-destructive nature. Your hatred of mankind has grown. You may have aged, and time may have taken a toll on your skin, but your vanity has surprisingly developed and increased with every wrinkle that your childlike face attributes. You have gained supremacy through other people’s weaknesses, you thrive and prosper when you see the less fortunate suffer, you believe that things are destined to be this way, and all is well in your wretched, pitiable, microcosmic universe. But I truly wish you could see what you have done to the people who have always loved you unconditionally; who accepted you despite all of your faults. I used to miss you, in my darkest hours, I would wish to God that you were there to hold me, listen to me, and understand me- alas God never answered my feeble pleas. Instead I was thrown amidst the wolves while you watched them tear my flesh into microscopic pieces of nonentity. Until I was nothing but a shadow of my past self; dismal and bleak, a frail silhouette; that wanted to stop existing for the pain was too strong to tolerate. I was left unaided, devastated and shattered to put back the pieces of your own mistakes; your own egocentricity. And now, now you want me to be a part of your life; you want me to understand you, appreciate you for all you have done. You want me to believe you when you tell me that all is for the best. You want me to love you.

Unfortunately for you, my love for people, my trust, has dwindled over time. Love is not what it used to be and trust never was. My heart has been broken and crushed in an unimaginable way and I shall never be the same person again, but do not fret, or agonize your egotistical diminutive black heart; for this is one mistake that is not your burden at all. I am sorry that I am your largest blunder but it is not like I could help it- believe me if I could turn back time I would have made sure none of this ever had a tendency to happen. I would have made sure lives were never lost, children were not left ravenous, racism never flourished, hearts were never broken, and equality thrived throughout the ages.

No need for self pitying for whether we like it or not we are obliged to live in this world, and reside with our fellow inhabitants, sharing this globe with each other- no matter how much we are required to struggle to survive. I truly wish that you would open up your insatiably voracious eyes to the world around you, and see how things have changed; accept them.  I wish you would stop your insanity and become a regular person. I wish you would stop telling me what to do, because frankly I don’t even know who you are- nor do I care. I wish that you will choose to change sometime because truthfully I wish you would stop being you.

Screw Prince Charming.

Don’t fall in love. Don’t think about it. Don’t talk about it. Don’t listen to it.

Don’t fall in love.

Why, you ask. Because all it will do is make you love sick. Love sick over a person who in the end will leave you high and dry, then forget you. You give yourself; heart, body and soul, to this one person. A person you put your trust in, you confide in, you believe in. A person who you would sacrifice everything for… And for what reason?

For nothing.

Falling in love almost always ends badly. You’re left broken, in your microscopic vestiges… Left to glue yourself back together with only fragments of your wrecked soul, and the minuscule remnants of your self-esteem… After that, no matter how hard you try to trust… You can’t. People tell you to move on but all you can think of are the “good” times. You never realize that the person you were “in love” with was a complete first degree asshole who never really gave a shit about you in the first place.

Disney gives little girls a "perfect" perception of love; filled with dreams and fantasies and a Prince Charming who will come and save the damsel in distress, sweep her off her feet, place her on his beautiful white horse and take her to his kingdom to live happily ever after.

Bull. Shit.

There is no Prince Charming. There is no white horse. There is no kingdom, and most of all; there is NO happily ever after.

They’re all really just chauvinistic assholes who don’t care about anyone but themselves and their genitals. They lie, cheat, and break your heart to pieces until your left shattered and alone; alone with only ambiguous memories, and disoriented thoughts. Until that grief, that pain; turns to rage. A rage so fierce that your own perception of love, whether it came from Walt Disney or not, is skewed. It’s hard to put your trust in people in general, but when you put yourself out there, entrust your heart to someone, and believe them when they say they will never hurt you, that they love you, and then they abuse your trust, abuse your love, and wound you; a wound so deep that no prescription of anesthesia, whether local or general, will ease the pain. Leaving you feeling completely and utterly betrayed. What do you do then? How are you supposed to move on? How are you supposed to love again?

I used to believe in love…

I will not allow myself to be so naïve again.

Screw you Prince Charming.

xoxo